Conversations about Diversity

I read a really inspiring article in the New York Times over the summer (and yes... I am just getting to it now). It tells the story of how one student was brave enough (with the backing of his school's faculty) to comment on the lack of diversity at his elite high school. He really hit the nail on the head, I believe, when he said

“If you truly believe that the demographics of Hunter represent the distribution of intelligence in this city,” he said, “then you must believe that the Upper West Side, Bayside and Flushing are intrinsically more intelligent than the South Bronx, Bedford-Stuyvesant and Washington Heights. And I refuse to accept that.”

It is truly inspiring to see such acute insight into the workings of school admissions and the state of education, especially from a high school senior.

I went to two different elite private high schools and an elite private college. I can honestly say that all of those schools struggled with issues in Diversity. The main problem was (and still is) that kids from more affluent school districts have access to better education and are better prepared to take the entrance exams that will get them into even better schools. Kids from poorer neighborhoods and struggling schools do not have the same opportunities or access - despite having the same intelligence, creativity, and intrinsic academic ability as their more affluent classmates. And, in this country, our class system lies heavily along racial lines.

It was the same when I taught at Covenant. My students were predominantly black and hispanic. All of my kids were smart, creative, gifted in their own ways... but they never would have been able to do well on the entrance exams to typical elite middle school programs. They hadn't been trained in test taking, or taught how to write effectively. There was a great deal that my kids didn't know that their suburban peers did... but it was not, as Hunter points out, because kids in the suburbs are smarter. It is because the kids in the suburbs are being taught more. And my boys' willingness and eagerness to learn (as well as their astounding improvement in a short period of time) really demonstrates that.

Quick Update: Rugby, weddings, and getting smart

Hello September. Goodbye September. This month has been going so quickly! Between rugby, wedding planning, work and class it seems like I blinked and summer suddenly disappeared.

I'm loving being a student again. Before I apply to law school, I decided to take a "warm up class". I'm auditing a philosophy class at Trinity with one of my favorite professors. It's rather strange being back in class with college students... you wouldn't think that two years would make much of a difference, but they seem so young! And timid! Most of the kids in the class are very quiet. I'm not sure if it is because of the size of the class (30 is HUGE for a philosophy course) or whether it is because the professor is sort of intimidating (she's really not - but she's very passionate and that scares people sometimes), but the discussions usually start very slowly and it takes the students a while to get into it. But I'm enjoying watching them learn. I definitely think I'm on the right track with a career in academia.

Steve's EMT class has started and he is supposed to be hearing from the Simsbury Volunteer Fire Department soon. We're hoping to get a place in Simsbury once he gets a position with them.

Rugby is going well for both Trinity and the Roses. The Roses brought home a big W this weekend against Burlington (we REALLY needed that) and Trinity's team gets stronger every week.

THE dress - photo from Etsy.com

Wedding planning is up and going again after a brief hiatus. We've decided on a color pallette and I think I've found THE dress. Now to get fitted... and hopefully it will look good on me!I've been working very hard at the gym, and even though I haven't lost pounds (rugby muscle!) I seem to have lost inches. Feeling pretty good overall.

Right now, we're working on designing and sending out Save the Date postcards. Hopefully those will go out by mid to late October. Official inviations will be sent out by Thanksgiving (I hope!)

That's all for now... more when I get a chance to breathe!

Happy Times

Sometimes the universe just speaks to you. I've been so stressed lately - what with the goings on in my personal life, the economy, studying my butt off... I decided this morning that I was going to try to focus on the things that bring me pleasure and make me happy. And the New York Times decided, apparently, to do an article on Happiness. But Will It Make You Happy? focuses mainly on the relationship between consumer spending and happiness. Researchers have found that money, as the old saying goes, is not the route to happiness; rather, it is how we spend it. According to the article, people who spend their money on lots of material possessions (games, cars, clothes, etc) are not as happy as people who spend their money on experiences (trips, concerts, dining/drinking with friends). The simple conclusion is that social relationships are really the main source of human happiness, and having enough money to make memories with friends and family is the true joy of wealth.

The article describes the ways in which shopping CAN make you happy and how businesses are using that to boost their sales, but that was not what interested me. When thinking about the things that really make me happy, I found that it really was experiences with friends and family. And yes, I had to spend money to have those experiences - but it wasn't the spending that make me happy; it was the experience and the memory of it.

Things that have made me happy lately:

-Lilith Fair
I had been looking forward to going since I heard it was touring sometime back over the winter. My dad got "VIP" seats for Steve and me (which, at the Meadows... sorry COMCAST Theatre) means that you are close to the stage and can have waiters bring you drinks. Considering we didn't really have enough for many drinks, this was not really a benefit (the drinks are expensive as hell and now you have to tip, as well??). Thanks to Facebook, I realized some of my rugby friends were also at the concert - they were camped out on the lawn. So up to the lawn we went, and we spent the rest of the night enjoying ourselves (courtesy of the people whose blanket we took over - I can't BELIEVE they were so nice about it. I would have flipped...) with our friends in the cheap seats. We shared cigarettes and beer with the women behind us who let us sit on their blanket, sang loudly, danced inappropriately, and had a blast. The concert itself was awesome - we saw Sara Barelis, Ingrid Michaelson, Missy Higgins, The Indigo Girls, and Sarah Sarah McLachlan. The most amazing part to me was when all of the artists were together on stage to sing "Closer to Fine" (by the Indigo Girls). Seeing some of the originals from Lilth Fair in the nineties singing with the newer generation of artists they inspired was incredible. It was really like the older artists were passing the torch to the newer and it was a heartfelt and inspiring celebration of female musicians. It meant even more to be there with the people I love.

-Black Dog beach
My parents bought a beach house last summer in South Kingston, RI. (The house was actually mentioned in an article in RI Monthly. Pretty sweet.) That house is like a little slice of paradise. I love going down there on the weekends. My favorite memory up until this past weekend was definitely the rugby party we had during NERFU this past spring... but this weekend was pretty cool. Our neighbors have two beautiful black labs (Ollie and Ella) that love coming over to visit and play with our dogs. We have our own black lab, Guenivere (Gwennie, for short), a mastiff-lab mix, Merlin, and a toy poodle, Lily. All of them are black (except for Merlin, who has a beautiful brindle coat... but his fur is mostly black). At one point, I was throwing the ball for all of four of the big dogs. As Steve said, there were enough dogs on the beach that you could actually have said "Relase the hounds!". Seeing their little doggy gang having fun on the sand and on the surf really made me feel good. I love dogs - and our corner of the beach is like a giant dog park. People like to walk down the beach with their pups - and ours love to greet every passer-by. It's really cool.

Of course, RI also has the Ocean Mist. I LOVE going to the Ocean Mist on Sunday mornings for brunch. It feels so decadent to have a margarita at 9:00 (and you MUST get there by 9, or else there's no way you're getting a seat). I always get the Crab Benny (eggs benedict with crab) and the Georgia Peach and Sweet Vidalia Onion hot sauce. Getting to gorge and drink while watching the ocean crash right below us is one of my favorite things in the world to do.


I think the NYT article is spot on when they say it's the experiences you have that make purchases worth while.

Warning: Long Angry Rant About Politics Ahead.

It is my belief that an educated populace is the backbone of a free and democratic society. Ignorance is a kind of tyranny that strangles the very life out of nation. Ignorance comes in many forms, but the worst, I believe, is the fear of new ideas: the fear of being wrong.
I am writing on this topic, today, because I am frustrated with the ways in which our political system is currently operating. People blame our current leadership… what they seem to forget is that WE ELECTED THEM!!! We live in a Democracy! Leaders are only in power because we put them there!! We have a choice and we have a voice… and yet we let the talking heads do all our thinking!!

I would argue that the majority of our population does not even THINK about how they actually feel politically... They simply go along with what the talking heads of media and politics are saying (on BOTH sides of the aisle).
When we're growing up, we learn our values from the adult authority figures in our lives (our parents, our care-takers, our teachers, our coaches...). If all of those figures are saying pretty much the same thing and those views are not challenged by anyone we like or respect... well, we simply grow up to mirror and parrot those same authority figures.
Let me tell you a story:
I was teaching in an Americorps program in Hartford in 2008 during the election. It was really interesting listening to my kids talk about politics. My students were all male, between the ages of 9 and 14, and predominately black and hispanic. I can't think of a single child that wasn't in favor of Obama. I was, at first, pleased by this because I thought that it demonstrated that the youth were growing up with more socially tolerant values... but then, I began to realize that they didn't understand WHY they wanted Obama to win. I would ask them "Why Obama?" They would look at me as if I had nine heads. So I changed gears: "Okay, so why is Obama a better choice than Edwards or Clinton to represent the Democrats?" First off, they had no concept of the way our two party system functions. Second, the majority of students said they had no idea where any of the candidates stood on any of the issues... they wanted Obama to win because he was black and their parents wanted him to win.
You're probably saying, "Well, they're KIDS. How can we expect them to understand our political system, or be able to make intelligent, informed political decisions about the candidates?" Point taken.
But at what age should they be expected to understand? At what age should we start to teach them?

This past fall, I coached girls’ high school soccer. Even when they weren’t aware I was listening (which was often the case…) I was very carefully listening to what they had to say. The topic of politics rarely came up, but I found, more often than not, they, too, simply parroted what they’d heard on the radio or from their parents. I was dismayed at the amount of ignorance concerning issues that would directly affect their futures (healthcare, education, student loans, etc.) and even more dismayed to find that the overwhelming attitude was that of complete apathy.
And some of the girls were of age to vote.
When I first entered college, I wasn't sure how I felt about anything politically. I grew up in a Republican household (my mother was actually a campaign manager for the Connecticut branch of George H.W. Bush's campaign). Now, you're going to make certain assumptions about my parents' political views because of their political affiliation. You're probably wrong.
I learned every social value that made me want to become a Democrat from my parents. They are very fiscally conservative (they own their own insurance company) - that's why they're Republicans. However, they are disgusted by the social values of the mainstream Republican politicians. I was taught from a very early age that I don't have the right to judge anyone else. Period. Not based on race, or on sex, or on sexuality, or intelligence (though, I REALLY struggle with that last one, I'll be honest). I have no idea what they've been through in life and no one is perfect. They strongly believe that the government has no right to tell people what they can or cannot do in the privacy of their homes - and even if you don't like what your neighbor is up to... you have no right to interfere unless your neighbor poses a threat to your life, liberty, or property.
As I said, before college, I didn't know how I felt about anything politically - I simply parroted my parents’ views. When I first got to college, I still was parroting their views - but found that the party that fit most of my views was the Democratic party. So, when it came time to vote, I registered Democrat.
My parents were actually shocked. I remember having long conversations about who to vote for in the upcoming election (2004, Bush v Kerry). My parents were going to vote for Bush and I said I was voting for Kerry. I don't remember all that we said, but my parents asked why. It was the first time I didn't go along with their views (mostly because I was being exposed to new people, in college, and new points of view). They didn't browbeat me and tell me I was stupid for disagreeing... but they challenged me to defend my view. I didn't agree with many financial policies of the Democrats at that time (and still don't...) but I could not support a party that was against gay marriage or anti-abortion. We would talk for hours - on the phone, in the car, by email... discussing politics and challenging each other's views.
In the fall... my parents voted Democrat for the first time. EVER. And this past year, they voted for Obama. (They're still registered Republicans, so they voted McCain in the primary). I’m not saying I was right and my parents were wrong… I just think it’s really cool that they were willing to have a discussion with me… and actually changed their minds. That’s how a political system is supposed to function… with people talking to each other, listening to each other, and making a decision together.
And is that not how a Democracy is supposed to function? It’s not just majority rule… it’s an educated populace coming together to decide what is best. You have to be able to have a discussion before you vote… make an INFORMED choice.
The goal of Education is to not only give knowledge (which is important in making decisions) but also how to teach people how to think. Thinking is not just absorbing knowledge and regurgitating it. Thinking is absorbing knowledge, processing it, and using it to make decisions. You can’t be Ignorant if you actually make an informed decision, even if it turns out to be the wrong one in the end.
And that is something that is missing from our political system and media analysis these days. On BOTH sides.
I cannot stand it when a person cannot defend or explain his or her beliefs – especially when the person is vehement about them. If you cannot defend or explain your belief then you don’t understand why you believe it… and if can’t understand why, then you shouldn’t believe you’re Right and others are Wrong.
There is far too much evidence on being Right or Wrong in our two party system. Republicans won’t listen to Democrats, Democrats won’t go along with Republicans because the other side is Wrong and we are Right.
Politicians are constantly arguing “The American People want this…” or the “American People don’t want that…” And as Jon Stewart pointed out the other day… we seem to contradict ourselves...
But, unfortunately, the majority of our people don’t seem to actually take the time to think or decide for themselves. We let our politicians decide for us. The American People listen, with all the blind faith of the truly ignorant, to the loudest voices and take their words as absolute authority without actually thinking about what they believe.
And then we get pissed off because things aren’t going the way we want them to.

So, my point in this long rant?
I wanted to write about how the two-party system does not provide a political framework in which the diverse interests of the American People can be represented. I wanted to write about how I wish there were more parties that better provided for the complexity and dynamisim of our population.
But, I realized that no matter how many political parties we have, the problem is not the system, it is the participants. No matter what political parties or leaders arise, a democracy takes an educated and informed populace to function. We cannot blame anyone but ourselves for the crappy state of our nation right now… because we elected the leaders who are responsible for making the decisions that lead us here.
We (technically) live in a democratic republic… but how can democracy function here when less than 1% of our population controls the majority (I can’t remember the exact percentage, so I’m not going to make something up) of our wealth? Especially when we live in a capitalist nation where wealth is power. Doesn’t that sound like an oligarchy?
How can democracy function when the majority of our population (and I am very sad to admit this given my own religious beliefs…) is trying to force their religion into our legal system? Laws banning gay marriage, fights against abortion, fights against the teaching of evolution… all of these things really belong in the cultural and social arenas. Yet, people want to use the power of law to enforce their own beliefs… most of which come down to religious beliefs… I mean, doesn’t that sound a bit like a theocracy?

Our founding fathers decided long enough that our country was to be a free country, where the people get to decide who leads them and the people get to vote on the issues that matter most to them. They specifically provided for the separation of church and state and for freedom of speech… which sounds to me like they wanted us to actually have discussions about the best way to move forward.
Democracy thrives on diversity and discussion… it assumes that there is no right or wrong way to go about doing things. The foundation of democracy is people coming together to decide how to do things. The people will decide what is right and what is wrong... And we’re not doing that. We’re letting only a few members of our population do that for us.
I guess I’m frustrated because the foundations of our society (our constitution, our laws) rock (for the most part... we're still working on it...) We have anti-discimination laws, we don't have laws banning anyone from voting because of race or gender or sexuality or religion... but people are still disciminated against and people still don't vote. Our social attitudes and our stubborn ignorance make it so that our laws oftentimes don’t matter.
It doesn’t matter what the rules of the game are if the players ignore them.
Again, my point? Ignorance is the ultimate enemy of Democracy. Right now, the American People are acting like a bunch of idiots and I’m pissed off.

I’m even more pissed off because I have no idea what to do about it.

Soon... Every Day Will Be a Rugby Day!

Amazing article in the NY Times this past weekend! Rugby, itself, is one of the fastest growing sports in the US... and, according to the Times "Women make up the fastest-growing segment of rugby players in the United States". So far there are only a couple of schools with rugby as a varsity sport, but the NCAA gave women's rugby "emerging sport status" in 2002, which allows Division I programs to give up to 12 scholarships for women to play.

Rugby has been getting a lot of press and attention lately... but mostly the men. There was a lot of buzz about rugby back in March since the US hosted the international Seven's tournament in Las Vegas. And the men's world cup will be in New Zealand for 2011. It is incredible to see an article like this about women's rugby, especially in the New York Times! The women's world cup will be held in England this year in August and September.

(A couple of my teammates on the Roses)

 

The only problem I had with the article is the problem I usually have when people who don't know rugby talk about rugby: they make it all about the manliness of the women playing. Everyone expects women to shy away from contact, and most sports punish women who are agressive (no checking in hockey, and I don't know a great deal about lacrosse... but just take a look in the difference in padding. Mean wear helmets and shoulder pads, women just have the goggles...). So, of course, there's going to be a lot of emphasis purely on the contact nature of the sport... and how that makes women sort of manly...but there is a lot more to it.

I was finding it hard to articulate exactly why this was bothering me until I read this article. (Yes, it's another Salon article. I REALLY like them, okay?!) Women in athletics are stepping outside of gender norms, and it's often difficult for us. No matter how "feminine" you try to make the sport (by making the fields smaller, different rules, skirts for uniforms...) the concept of competition seems to be something that our society consitutes as a part of the "male" sphere. Women are supposed to cooeperate, not compete. And they are especially not suppopsed to engage in contact.

One of the things I love most about rugby is that we don't try to pretend we're doing anyting other than breaking the gender barrier. We don't just break it. We smash it. Hard. And we call it "smaking a bitch".

There are a lot of women playing rugby who are openly gay; which gives us a distinct advantage over program like the one described in the artile. We don't hide who we are, and we make it very clear that if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself.

Female rugby players, straight or gay, are open people, in general. The sport, itself, attracts people who are big, loud, and proud. You have to be in order to have the confidence to do the things that are physically necessary. When you're attempting to take out a woman who is twice your size, bigger, and stronger than you... you need to be confident. To fend off someone attempting to rip your head off takes a certain amount of courage and dedication. Someone calling you a dyke just doesn't seem important in comparision. Someone accusing you of being a lesbian because you play a "manly" sport just doesn't seem to matter. Especially if you are one...

Because rugby players are so very open about everything, not just their sexuality, it makes for a very open, supportive environment. Bigots need not apply; you are not welcome. Rugby has certainly changed who I am simply by allowing me to BE who I have always been, and be happy about it.

Another thing I LOVE about rugby is the fact that the women's game is no different from the men's. We have the exact same rules, same uniforms, same size field, same size ball, and same expectations. Male rugby players are not always the most progressive or welcoming bunch... (in fact, there is a lot of homophobia, racism, and sexism to be found in male rugby clubs, I am sad to say), but, they are very aware that the women can kick just as much ass as they can. Whatever is said in the locker room, I (personally) have never been treated with anything less than a professional respect by male rugby players. They respect the fact that they do what they do. And they do support us, in their own way. They may not always be comfortable dating us (and may be upset about the fact that most of us don't want to date them...) but they drink with us, socialize with us, and cheer us on.

Rugby is the most popular sport in the world. I think it's because we are truly a community sport. Tell anyone you're a rugby player in almost any bar in the world and songs will be sung, drinks will be bought. Whether you are male or female, you belong to a big, worldwide family that is welcoming you in and  cheering you on. When you feel that kind of love, that unconditional support and belief from others that you can do it...  you realize there is nothing you can't do.

Perhaps this is what people find so threatening about confident women, and why we are so afraid of women athletes. Once we figure out what we're capable of, society no longer has the ability to tell us who we are, or what we should be. We will figure it out for ourselves... and then kick your ass.



On a personal note, I am well into my fifth month, post reconstructive surgery. I've starting running again, and working out at the gym. I feel fantastic, and I've just been cleared to start sprinting and training at pace. I practiced with the Roses last night (we didn't do a lot of contact so I was able to get in on every drill) and it felt so good to be back! I should be able to play again in August. :)

I didn't blog much about my rehab after the surgery. I had a VERY hard time with it. I was in a lot of pain and very depressed... it was hard to get myself to do much except grit my teeth and get through it. The surgery was a success (obviously), but it sucked to go through. My doctors are wonderful people and have been very very supportive. I wouldn't have made it this far without their support, as well as the support of my physical therapists, teammates, fiancee and parents. Everyone has been so awesome, and I don't know how else to repay you for your faith in me except by working as hard as I can to get out there and start kicking ass again.

Thank you, especially, to my mom and to Steve. Without their constant supply of ice bags and advil, I would not have been able to recover. Love you guys!

Wedding Update: We Have a Date!!!

June 11, 2011 at the Interlaken Inn.

More details to come...

Quick Wedding Update

My parents, Steve and I drove up to the Interlaken Inn yesterday to check it out. It's not exactly as I had pictured... but nothing ever is. It was beautiful, the staff was very nice, and the reception hall/guest accomodations were awesome. And they have the date we want. (10/10/10!!!)

I only hesitate because the beautiful lake-side ceremony I had pictured in my head is not going to jive with the space they actually have. There isn't much room by the lake, and reall you can only have a traditional aisle. I really want to have a peace-sign shaped "aisle" so that my FH and I can be escorted by our parents simultaneously and meet in the center (then go down the rest of the aisle together).

There are other options at the Interlaken, we don't HAVE to do the ceremony by the lake. There are other lawns that might work... but, they're not as pretty... so... I dunno.

So far, they're still my favorite venue, but we're still looking. I definitely want an inn/hotel with an outdoor setting that can accomodate up to 200 people if necessary. We're in CT, so if you know of any places that would fit the bill, let me know!

Deciding Between Venues and Themes

Okay, so things are actually happening! We've narrowed it down to two venues, either the Interlaken Inn in Lakeville, CT or the Inn at Mystic in Mystic, CT.




They're both beautiful and will accommodate our specific needs - it mostly depends on which one has better availability. We want the wedding to take place this October, so we're sort of at the mercy of the venues' calendars.

I'm usually not into themes... but sometimes it makes the planning easier (plus, I made a deal with my parents that if they got more say in the reception, Steve and I could do our handfasting ceremony). My mom is a fan of something Victorian-esque, Steve is leaning towards an Oktoberfest inspired reception, and I'd like something Celtic inspired to go with the handfasting.

I'm torn... I like elements of all three. I wonder if there is a way to combine them all without having it just be a mish-mash? My mom knows I'm a boot girl at heart... so she wanted to have me wear Victorian style ankle boots with buttons. She also loved the idea of some sort of cape with a hood over a very simple dress. I was looking up pictures of the cape... and found one that was over a very pretty Celtic style dress. And I also loved the wreath of flowers instead of a veil.





My FH brews his own beer, and suggested that he could brew an Oktoberfest style for the wedding. He's not into wearing the leiderhosen... but, he likes the idea of incorporating his German heritage.


So, decisions, decisions... any thoughts on how we can combine these different elements?

Carp n Smeck Are Getting Married!

Yep. It's official. Steve and I are tying the knot. Literally.

We've been talking about this for a couple of years actually. We knew we wanted to get married eventually, but we wanted to wait until things were a little more secure job-wise, etc. But, we figured: why wait? About the only thing that we know for certain is that we want to be together... so why not? (We also both have eldery family members that are not in the greatest of health and we know that it would mean a lot to them to be able to witness the event...)

So yeah. It hasn't really sunk in yet. I think we're both still in a little bit of shock. The term fiancee isn't running smoothly off either of our tongues, but, we couldn't be happier.

Details are a little fuzzy right now, but we're thinking October of this year. We have a couple of different options for venues, but we know we want an inn or hotel of some kind with a really pretty outdoor space. Steve and I want to do a variation on a hand-fasting ceremony (see, I told you we were literally tying the knot!) and have it take place outdoors. It's going to be comfortable, but classy, and a little on the casual side.

I have a wedding blog on Offbeatbride.com, but I'm also going to be doing posts here, since I think not all of the posts will be available to people who aren't signed up for the site.

Here was my post from today:

Thank You for Off-Beat Bride!!

My mom bought a bunch of bridal magazines for us to look at together while planning this wedding. I just wanted to take a quick moment and say that I am very grateful that there is a site like this for people who want to do things a little different.

I think the thing that struck me the most today while flipping through the 'zines was how the brides are simply just targets for marketing (well, DUH, I guess, but still, it's different to actually be looking at the issue as a bride to be). Obviously weddings are a huge commercial event... but, it still feels like I've got a giant target on my back for marketors and vendors. I don't really read magazines all that much, so I guess I'm sort of just shocked looking at this stuff.

And it's not just about cakes, and dresses, and flowers... (those are all predictable) there were also ads from gyms and fitness centers. One ad gladly claims "Getting fit, or 'Bride Buff,' is key to looking - and feeling - your best on the big day!" "There are precious few '10's' our there (thank heavens), but this is the tiem to inch as close to perfection as you can!" Under headings such as Body Beautiful, Crowning Glory, Skin Deep, The Eyes Have It, Smile Wide, Smooth as Silk, I can learn about all the ways I'm imperfect and that can be changed for a (reasonable!) price of hundreds of dollars. In fact, if I have slightly crooked teeth, I can spend six to nine months before my wedding getting my teeth aligned for the measly price of $4,500.

I mean, really?

My favorite article from The Connecticut Bride, however, has to do with the groom... 10 Tips for the Groom. You know what happens when you assume? Yeah... Basically, the article assumes the guy doesn't want to have anything to do with actually planning the big day, is just going to be drunk the entire time, and has no idea how to act with any grace or class (okay, so yeah, this applies to SOME guys I know... but the same could be said for plenty women I know as well.) I kind of just want to go through the entire list piece by piece... but I'll give you the highlights.

Tips 2 and 5 remind the groom that it's not cool to go overboard at your bachelor party and to pace yourself throughout the weekend. (Because, afterall, "too often grooms who party on the way to the chapel have nothing left in the tank when the reception really starts rolling. Or worse, they waste the first half of their honeymoon just trying to recover"). First off, I think it's unfair to assume the groom is the only person who overdoes the booze at weddings. I actually do think this is a sage piece of advice for anyone attending a weekend-long event, especially one that will require you to have your wits about you. Second, if you met my family, you'd want a drink, too... I fully intend to be fairly intoxicated at both the wedding rehearsal and the reception and that will not be a privlege I intend to deny my FH.

I was slightly perterbed by tip 4, "No kilts, frilly cumberbunds or pastel blue tuxedos. Though all these ideas may seem like fun, retro or wacky ways to express your "individuality" (their quotes, not mine!) when you look back a decade from now, all you'll think is, 'What the hell was I thinking?' If you must be creative of goofy, save it for the reception, where the fun is supposed to be and your spirited show of individuality will seem in context." I don't think I need to go too in depth into this one, do I?

Going along that vein, Tip 7 also wants to ensure you're completely boring at your big day: "Don't macarena, chicken dance, or electric slide. For the love of God, man, have some diginity and leave that silly steppin' to your Aunt Lucy and your bride's nieces! Besides, real men slowdance." Okay, if there's ever a time to do silly dances (and I have only one nephew, by the way...) it's at your big day. Have some fun, for crying out loud!

Tip 10 is my favorite. "Remember to hang out with your wife at the reception. Too ofeten brides and grooms are pulled in different directions once the receoption begins, onl seeing each other at the meal, when the cake gets cut and for a dance or two., Though you'll have the rest of your lives together, nothing is more upsetting than lokoing back at pictures and realizing you have more shots of you with your golf buddies than with your new wife."

And of course, thre rest of the magazine is filled with nothing but traditional wide gowns, expensive flower arrangements, and completely stereotypical wedding-type stuff. (And of course, there is not a single mention of a same-sex wedding, any couples of color, or any pictures of officiants that aren't in church-garb).

Long story short, Thank you for this site. In a world full of white dresses, bans on kilts and the chicken dance, and reminders to "tell your bride's mom that you love her daughter. It may seem sappy to you, but it'll mean a lot to her"... well, I'm glad I have this community to turn to. Thank you for letting us be ourselves, and bringing all of us off-beat people together to plan our big days.

The Continued Adventures of Carp n Smeck...

So, Steve and I moved in to our new apartment last Sunday. Things have been going… well, in the usual Carp N’ Smeck fashion.

Highlights of the move included:
· Walking in to find our Peruvian landlord (who speaks about as much English as I do Spanish, which is to say, absolutely none. Well, that’s not fair. He knows more English than I do Spanish… probably more equitable to my ability to speak French, which is un petit peut) was still working on the place… and left it a complete mess. The beautiful hardwood floor was covered in grime and paint splatters. His tools were all over the place. The new fridge and oven were sitting, unconnected, in the middle of the kitchen floor. The bathroom… well, I will describe the bathroom later.
· Realizing that the movers didn’t see the very large (very heavy) very pretty coffee table sitting on the curb… and left it behind, at Steve’s house.
· Realizing that we only had one pillow because we assumed the other was going to bring the rest.
· Realizing that half of our kitchen equipment was still at Steve’s house and swiping plastic cutlery from Stop N Shop (but no spoons!!!)
· Sipping champagne out of my oversized shot glasses because we didn’t have any real glasses
· Eating our first in-home meal, (delicious) wings, on our ottoman because we don’t have a coffee table.

Over the past week or so, we’ve made some improvements. We bought a kitchen table, so no more wing-ottoman (except it WAS pretty handy for pizza and jell-o shots last night, yum!). I have also declared war on afore-mentioned bathroom.

See, the bathroom was COVERED in mold, as Steve and I discovered in our first attempt to take a shower (cue corny horror-movie scream scene). It was gross. As you can see…




Well, anyway, over this weekend, I decided to go through and clean the place. I must have used half an aero-spray can of Lysol and there were some casualties…

See the showerhead was the worst. I scrubbed the tub and the sink, and it just needed a little elbow grease to remove some of the stains and mold. But on the shower-head, the mold was entrenched. I began with an assault of Lysol, foaming the showerhead over until it was completely covered. I let it sit for a while (take that!) then periodically re-foamed. The enemy still fought… but add in some boiling water, a little bleach, and a REALLY good scrubbing, and the enemy was removed.

But, in my PTSD moments, I could not forget the epic battle with the mold, so I decided to just replace the damn showerhead. Every time I looked at it, I started dry-heaving, so I thought it might be the best call…

Our landlord came over yesterday morning and replaced the head with something new and shiny. Yay! Not soon after, however, Steve called me into the bathroom, during his shower. I was expecting something pleasant and racy, but when I pulled the curtain back, I found him rubbing the large red bump on his head and holding the brand new shower head. Apparently, after adjusting it, the shower shook for a moment, then expelled the new showerhead directly into Steve’s forehead.

Steve, of course, blamed me for replacing the head. I argued, of course, that looking at how the head broke off, it was not the fact that the head was new, but that the pipe was old and breaking… so, really, it was a matter of time before the head broke off. And at LEAST it wasn’t the moldy one, right?

Steve: “A matter of time? A matter of TIME? Hell no! This was a matter of Carp!”

So now, we have NO showerhead.

And the war continues…

A Couple Thoughts on Feminism and Why It Isn't Dead...

I've been doing far too much thinking and not enough writing as of late.

One of the things I've been thinking about is how my liberal-leaning ideals seem to have no practical outlet in MY life. Realizing that what you learned in college has little or no bearing on the workings of the "real world" is part of the culture shock of entering adulthood. But for me, a little bit of me believed that the "real world" could not be as hostile to the ideas of change and liberalism as I had been told. I thought that maybe if you tried hard enough and lead by example, people (especially your family, co-workers and friends) would begin to come around.

Not so. Right now, at least. The world does change... ideas do become realities. But it happens slowly and sometimes imperceptibly. Let's examine the issue of a feminist wedding, to begin with. I read, with some pleasure, the trials and tribulations of My Big Feminist Wedding. I read it with such joy because I want to have a feminist wedding someday (and seeing as today is my 7th anniversary with my boyfriend, I'm thinking it may eventually happen...).

I have come to the conclusion that the reason some patriarchal traditions still exist is not because of ingrained sexism... is it more because it is hard to kill traditions that WORK and that we enjoy. As children, we learn of the world from watching adults. As an atheist I still celebrate Christmas with my family because it is a TRADITION. The "reason for the season" does not apply to me because of my non-religious beliefs, but I freaking love Christmas trees. I love wrapping presents. Seeing Christmas lights on houses makes me happy on a cold winter's night. I love getting together with my family. I love the food, and the celebrating, and the excuse to be a kid again, even for a day. But I'm not a Christian and I celebrate no other religious holidays (except, I always go to Easter dinner, because I love what my mom makes...). Christmas, and Easter Dinner, for my family are traditions I can't let go of, despite my non-religious beliefs. I've tried. And I can't. They are a part of who I am, they are a part of what my family does.

So, let's think about such a thing as a proposal, then. I have flat-out told my boyfriend and everyone who would listen that I never want a proposal. I believe, as Valenti does, that I would rather discuss things and come to a mutual decision. And I feel VERY strongly about this. I nearly had a heart-attack when Steve gave me a diamond ring for my 21st birthday. It is JUST a pretty ring. However, I will admit, there is a small part of me that loves hearing engagement stories and thinks it sweet and romantic. Part of me mourns the fact that I will not have a cute, sweet, love story to tell. But, that tradition, I can let slide because proposals honestly bother me... when it comes to me, anyway. Whether rightly or wrongly, I feel like a proposal seems to assume that the woman is waiting around for the man to ask, because all women want to get married. I also don't like the fact that a female-given proposal is seen as so... foreign (just look at the fact that there is a new movie coming out about a woman who has to travel to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend because of some stupid tradition). The tradition of a proposal is also reminiscent of the time when women were considered property and had to be bargained over like freaking cattle. Don't get me started on asking the father, first, before the woman. My dad is expecting it. I told him to go to hell. But, I digress...

So, far, I sound like a perfect feminist, eh? The thorniest issue about feminist marriages, as I see it, is the name change. Having to give up your name, and take the man's sucks. It just does. Women who insist that the man take hers are more than weird... they are portrayed as monstrous, castrating control freaks. The hyphen seems the way to go. That's nice when you have a name that is easily hyphenated like Jolie-Pitt. What about if you have names that don't seem to go well together? Carpenter-Meckel just doesn't have a nice ring to it... nor does Meckel-Carpenter. I don't want to give up my last name and neither does he. To us, they represent family and tradition and parts of our identities. I AM Carp. I can't be that without Carpenter. Everyone calls him Meckel... So how do we get over it? We could both just keep our names... but if we had kids, whose name would they take? One of us would be left out of the family. And if we did hypenate their names... how about when my potential children grow up and want to get married? Are they going to add an extra hyphen? And their children? Is my great-granchild going to be named Carpenter-Meckel-Smith-Harris? For me, I have decided that, if Steve and I do get married, I will take his last name, and pull a Hillary. I'll make Carpenter my middle name so that I can hold on to it. My children will be Meckels, and I will still be Carp. I can deal with that. My kids can decide the issue for themselves.

Does that make me a bad feminist? I don't know. But it works for me, which I think is the epitome of good feminism. I don't think feminism is about defeating the patriarchy, or making it a woman-run world. I think feminism is, and has always been about, ensuring that women are treated as PEOPLE. We live in a country where, supposedly, we are all treated as equals. We know that's bullshit. It will never work... but can we settle for being all treated as people? As people who should be able to make decisions about what we do based on what is best for us? Who are not bound by the limitations of the societal interpretations of our bodies, and just be who we are?

If I want to take my future-husband's name for the sake of simplicity and making it easy for my family, why should I be a be a bad feminist? If I still want to celebrate Christmas with my family, why should that make me a bad atheist? People do not fit so easily into categories because we are complex beings with complex needs. Feminism has always been an undefinable movement, because it seeks to represent women. Women are a varied bunch, connected only by our status as Other. But I do think we have one thing in common. No matter our race, our religion, our sexual orientation, or our status as gendered-beings (and by this, I am including people of ambiguous or changed gender into the category of woman... how can they ever be anything other than Other in our world?)... we all want the same thing. We all want to be able to make decisions for ourselves... whether those decisions cement us securely in the the traditional norm, or attempt to destroy it. Feminism shouldn't be about wearing (or not wearing) a certain color of dress at your wedding. It's an interesting topic of conversation, but at the end of the day, I want a white one. It's a tradition... okay, so it's based on outdated models of purity and chastity and blah blah blah. It looks pretty, and I want it. And if I'm okay with wanting a white dress, I expect everyone else to be okay with the fact that my daughter may want green someday. Or that my son might like to wear a dress. THAT should be the concern of feminism... making it okay for someone to be who they are and pursue their own desires... especially if that person is in the category of Other.

Traditions that work, traditions that we enjoy, are hard to kill. Society will always have a norm and will always seek to ostracize the Other. That is the topic of an entirely different conversation, but I think that statement is hard to argue with. We always have, we always will, but the concept of what is Other WILL change. I just hope that one day, the Other will be those who seek to limit the liberty of their fellow citizens because of sex, or race, or religion, or sexual orientation, etc. I can only hope that hate-mongers and extremists of any kind will one day be the ostracized Other. I dare to hope that we are slowly moving in that direction.

But, we're not there yet. And that is why feminism is not dead. We still live in a society where women feel shackled by tradition and social expectation. We still live in a society where women are not full and equal participants in our economic system. We still live in a society that does not know how to achieve, and still fears, women's sexual satisfaction. Until we live in a world where women are considered people and allowed to fulfill their own desires (in every sense of the word) in their own way without it being revolutionary, we will still need feminism.