I've been doing far too much thinking and not enough writing as of late.
One of the things I've been thinking about is how my liberal-leaning ideals seem to have no practical outlet in MY life. Realizing that what you learned in college has little or no bearing on the workings of the "real world" is part of the culture shock of entering adulthood. But for me, a little bit of me believed that the "real world" could not be as hostile to the ideas of change and liberalism as I had been told. I thought that maybe if you tried hard enough and lead by example, people (especially your family, co-workers and friends) would begin to come around.
Not so. Right now, at least. The world does change... ideas do become realities. But it happens slowly and sometimes imperceptibly. Let's examine the issue of a feminist wedding, to begin with. I read, with some pleasure, the trials and tribulations of My Big Feminist Wedding. I read it with such joy because I want to have a feminist wedding someday (and seeing as today is my 7th anniversary with my boyfriend, I'm thinking it may eventually happen...).
I have come to the conclusion that the reason some patriarchal traditions still exist is not because of ingrained sexism... is it more because it is hard to kill traditions that WORK and that we enjoy. As children, we learn of the world from watching adults. As an atheist I still celebrate Christmas with my family because it is a TRADITION. The "reason for the season" does not apply to me because of my non-religious beliefs, but I freaking love Christmas trees. I love wrapping presents. Seeing Christmas lights on houses makes me happy on a cold winter's night. I love getting together with my family. I love the food, and the celebrating, and the excuse to be a kid again, even for a day. But I'm not a Christian and I celebrate no other religious holidays (except, I always go to Easter dinner, because I love what my mom makes...). Christmas, and Easter Dinner, for my family are traditions I can't let go of, despite my non-religious beliefs. I've tried. And I can't. They are a part of who I am, they are a part of what my family does.
So, let's think about such a thing as a proposal, then. I have flat-out told my boyfriend and everyone who would listen that I never want a proposal. I believe, as Valenti does, that I would rather discuss things and come to a mutual decision. And I feel VERY strongly about this. I nearly had a heart-attack when Steve gave me a diamond ring for my 21st birthday. It is JUST a pretty ring. However, I will admit, there is a small part of me that loves hearing engagement stories and thinks it sweet and romantic. Part of me mourns the fact that I will not have a cute, sweet, love story to tell. But, that tradition, I can let slide because proposals honestly bother me... when it comes to me, anyway. Whether rightly or wrongly, I feel like a proposal seems to assume that the woman is waiting around for the man to ask, because all women want to get married. I also don't like the fact that a female-given proposal is seen as so... foreign (just look at the fact that there is a new movie coming out about a woman who has to travel to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend because of some stupid tradition). The tradition of a proposal is also reminiscent of the time when women were considered property and had to be bargained over like freaking cattle. Don't get me started on asking the father, first, before the woman. My dad is expecting it. I told him to go to hell. But, I digress...
So, far, I sound like a perfect feminist, eh? The thorniest issue about feminist marriages, as I see it, is the name change. Having to give up your name, and take the man's sucks. It just does. Women who insist that the man take hers are more than weird... they are portrayed as monstrous, castrating control freaks. The hyphen seems the way to go. That's nice when you have a name that is easily hyphenated like Jolie-Pitt. What about if you have names that don't seem to go well together? Carpenter-Meckel just doesn't have a nice ring to it... nor does Meckel-Carpenter. I don't want to give up my last name and neither does he. To us, they represent family and tradition and parts of our identities. I AM Carp. I can't be that without Carpenter. Everyone calls him Meckel... So how do we get over it? We could both just keep our names... but if we had kids, whose name would they take? One of us would be left out of the family. And if we did hypenate their names... how about when my potential children grow up and want to get married? Are they going to add an extra hyphen? And their children? Is my great-granchild going to be named Carpenter-Meckel-Smith-Harris? For me, I have decided that, if Steve and I do get married, I will take his last name, and pull a Hillary. I'll make Carpenter my middle name so that I can hold on to it. My children will be Meckels, and I will still be Carp. I can deal with that. My kids can decide the issue for themselves.
Does that make me a bad feminist? I don't know. But it works for me, which I think is the epitome of good feminism. I don't think feminism is about defeating the patriarchy, or making it a woman-run world. I think feminism is, and has always been about, ensuring that women are treated as PEOPLE. We live in a country where, supposedly, we are all treated as equals. We know that's bullshit. It will never work... but can we settle for being all treated as people? As people who should be able to make decisions about what we do based on what is best for us? Who are not bound by the limitations of the societal interpretations of our bodies, and just be who we are?
If I want to take my future-husband's name for the sake of simplicity and making it easy for my family, why should I be a be a bad feminist? If I still want to celebrate Christmas with my family, why should that make me a bad atheist? People do not fit so easily into categories because we are complex beings with complex needs. Feminism has always been an undefinable movement, because it seeks to represent women. Women are a varied bunch, connected only by our status as Other. But I do think we have one thing in common. No matter our race, our religion, our sexual orientation, or our status as gendered-beings (and by this, I am including people of ambiguous or changed gender into the category of woman... how can they ever be anything other than Other in our world?)... we all want the same thing. We all want to be able to make decisions for ourselves... whether those decisions cement us securely in the the traditional norm, or attempt to destroy it. Feminism shouldn't be about wearing (or not wearing) a certain color of dress at your wedding. It's an interesting topic of conversation, but at the end of the day, I want a white one. It's a tradition... okay, so it's based on outdated models of purity and chastity and blah blah blah. It looks pretty, and I want it. And if I'm okay with wanting a white dress, I expect everyone else to be okay with the fact that my daughter may want green someday. Or that my son might like to wear a dress. THAT should be the concern of feminism... making it okay for someone to be who they are and pursue their own desires... especially if that person is in the category of Other.
Traditions that work, traditions that we enjoy, are hard to kill. Society will always have a norm and will always seek to ostracize the Other. That is the topic of an entirely different conversation, but I think that statement is hard to argue with. We always have, we always will, but the concept of what is Other WILL change. I just hope that one day, the Other will be those who seek to limit the liberty of their fellow citizens because of sex, or race, or religion, or sexual orientation, etc. I can only hope that hate-mongers and extremists of any kind will one day be the ostracized Other. I dare to hope that we are slowly moving in that direction.
But, we're not there yet. And that is why feminism is not dead. We still live in a society where women feel shackled by tradition and social expectation. We still live in a society where women are not full and equal participants in our economic system. We still live in a society that does not know how to achieve, and still fears, women's sexual satisfaction. Until we live in a world where women are considered people and allowed to fulfill their own desires (in every sense of the word) in their own way without it being revolutionary, we will still need feminism.
