I Said the Magic Words

 Yesterday afternoon:

*Powers That Be* 

"Awww, something good finally happened. So cute!" 

"Well, enough of that now."

The phone rings...

Today:

...

To the powers that be:

P.S. Sober October. And, really, let's face it: sobriety, period, because alcohol and my meds don't mix. And the meds are here to stay. Yet, thinking "I'll never have another drink" makes me want a fucking god damn drink, so, let's make that a November thing.

Fuck.

Poof Balls and Predators

 

As Jake and I wait for them to safely clear the trail, I'm impatient and bordering on frustrated. The merry little poof ball dog trots happily off leash, stopping to sniff every two goddamn feet. 

Jake is in a sit and stay, eyes fixed on the tiny, moving mammal which looks terribly similar to a rabbit at this distance. He spits out the offering of duck jerkey I make for his compliance in the stay. His posture makes clear he'd prefer much fresher game. 

It's chilly and I want to move. The inertia after the brisk pace we'd just been traveling makes my muscles want to cramp. Jake wants to stand for the same reason; the sit is uncomfortable for him. So is the harness. Yet, we sit and stay, as patiently as we can. He's watching that pom pom dog thinking "chase catch shake eat". I know because I've seen him take out a skunk so ruthlessly efficiently the poor thing never had a chance to spray. 

I can see my car across the field. I'm anxious to get home. I am expecting a call from the veterinarian to discuss Sadie's x-ray results. We're both fairly certain it's her other ACL this time, but the swelling in her knee prevented the vet from testing the ligaments, and diagnostic imaging is necessary to confirm. There's likely arthritis to contend with. Her and me, both, baby. I've done both knees, too, and the cold and the still is making my own arthritis ping.

I wonder what the other woman is thinking as she meanders right by the "Dogs must be on leash at all times" sign. Is she wondering why that strange, stressed looking woman is standing awkwardly paused on the connecting side trail? Or wonder why her big, goofy looking shepherd is staring down her merry little puppy? She's aware this is a wildlife sanctuary, right? There are more dangerous creatures than Jake in these woods. "Stay on the path. Be bear aware!" reads another sign.

In spring and summer, wildflowers grow here, along the main path, before you reach the woods. Song birds and insects make the tall grass buzz and hum and chirp. It's October, now, the forest leaves are brilliant golds and rusts and ochre and the field is freshly mowed. I know walkers are not permitted to cross it. Nor do I particularly want to cross it, considering I just brushed three bright red ticks off Jake's legs and I can see purple bramble thorns next to my boot. 

The little white foo foo pup trots down the hill off the other side of the main path, and the woman follows, unsteadily wobbling down the steep incline. "Lady, come on," I say to no one. 

It's safer for both of us if I cross the field, back to my car. An owner this oblivious is not going to be helpful if the merry little poof decides to come say hello. It's a very friendly looking little poof. My catastrophically inclined imagination reminds me it will be a very dead little poof if something goes wrong and I fail to restrain Jake. 

She's gotta notice us up here, right? I'm giving her the human equivalent of Jake's stare. She babbles happily in a high voice as her precious little poopsie fertilizes the grass, somewhere out of sight. She waddles back up the hill, then turns, calling to her unseen pup, who does not appear.

I'm in dread of the moment of the little dog innocently ascends up the slope, spots Jake and me, and runs right for us barking merrily...

I opt for the field, brambles and all. No dead poofs today, lady. 

Safe in my car, exhausted after practically dragging my 85 pound Anatolian the length of a football field, I note there is shit on my boot. And ticks crawling up my pant legs. 

Good luck with the bears, Lady. You'll need it.

It's That Easy...

 

Beginnings are easy. They are full of excitement and life, the eagerness that accompanies departure on a new journey. Endings, too, have a potential energy that enlivens; the thrill of reaching the final destination that beckons the creator to begin. It's the middle parts, the important parts, really, that have always tripped me up. 

Let's see if I've actually learned anything useful over the years of trial and error, from all the unfinished beginnings and endings. Whatever you find in these words of mine, I hope that if it's not wisdom, you at least had a good time.

Welcome Home, Jake!

So, after only being a foster mom for a few months... I have my first foster fail. Welcome to the family, Jake!

Courtesy of Double Dog Rescue http://www.doubledogrescue.org

Yes, he's an adorable mushy face, isn't he?

He's fit so perfectly into our routine... I brought him to rugby with me last night and he just laid in the grass, watching us quietly. SUCH a good boy! Sadie is in LOVE. They like to cuddle and share marrow bones and drink from the same bowl. And... yes, I know, I'm obsessed.

There's no better cure for what ails your soul than puppy love.

Life's Little Messes

I returned home after my workout this morning close to tears. I am just. so. tired.

Tired of feeling behind the 8 ball. Tired of trying and failing and trying and failing and trying again to get on top of my eating habits and general health and well-being. Tired of cleaning. Tired of studying. Tired of hospitals and courtrooms and grief and worry and sadness.

As I threw a urine-soaked towel (our newest foster/maybe forever dog, Jake/Hutch, isn't potty trained yet) into the washing machine, I realized...

Tired... but, closer to happy than I've ever been.

My messy house, my messy dogs, my messy husband, my messy desk at work, my messy study desk, my messy car, my messy personal life, my messy family... They're a mess... but MY mess. I own my own home. I'm married to a wonderful man. I love my dog(s). I belong to more than one tight-knit community of friends/co-workers/teammates/colleagues.

This is the life I've been given. I only have one. It's messy, but it's mine. There's only so much in my day that I can control... and what I do have control over is pretty damn good sometimes.

So, yes, I'm tired, and my life's a mess, but, it's my life, and I'm living it the best I can.

Carry On

I keep saying I'll start writing again... no day like the present, eh?

I'm not religious - at all - but, on day's like today, I find it's useful to count my blessings, as my mom would (and does) advise.

This week - well, the past few years, really - this week has been especially trying... an important deadline approaches swiftly that means a lot for my family's future, my uncle has started chemo-therapy to treat an inoperable tumor, and a very dear friend was in a serious motorcycle accident and remains in the hospital. On cloudy days like today when the dark clouds on the horizon threaten to open up and pour, it's hard to remain cheerful even in the best of times. It's damn near impossible today. But, in the words of Pollyana, let's play the glad game... (If you haven't seen that movie - see it!!)

- law school is done for the semester and I don't have to open another law book until August
- Steve and I managed to get two new rose bushes planted in the yard and trimmed the other two; my yard will be full of roses in a few weeks
- I've managed to work out/do something active/physical EVERY DAY this past week while I do the Whole Life Challenge
- I've been making significantly better choices when I eat; even though I'm far from where I want to be, I'm making good progress.
- Sadie Mayhem has been an ANGEL lately
- I seem to have that phantom abdominal pain beat! I haven't felt it at all since my surgery last month
- My knee still hurts - but, I'm getting closer to figuring that out, too.
- I get a new foster puppy this weekend who is absolutely adorable!

And above all...
- I have an awesome community of friends and family. No matter what, we surround each other with love and support. We'll get through it.

When you're down, you're not out until you're out of blessings, right? Carry on.

- Carp

You'll Love David's Bridal

Okay, so from the beginning I wasn't really crazy about my wedding dress. It felt like I was compromising and picking something because I had to... but at the time I bought it, I felt like it looked good on me, at least, and that I would be content wearing it. (Bought it at David's Bridal. LOVED my consultant - and she helped me pick out another dress for a formal I had to attend).

So, I went in for my fitting today. Can you say: Total Meltdown?

I got up on the pedestal, looked at myself in the mirror, and just started sobbing. (It didn't help that I felt like a pro football player trying to squeeze into a dainty, plain little gown and was standing next to this gorgeous petite little woman who looked like an angel in her fabulous, extravagant dress).

I just hated the way I looked. Hated the dress. Hated my body. Hated everything.

The women at David's Bridal could not have been more helpful and sympathetic and caring had they been my own family. My mom was there with me - she compared the women to the mice in the Disney version of Cinderella when they are making her the gown for the ball. The new consultant working with me (mine wasn't in yet) told me (in her VERY thick latin accent). "We won't stop til j'you say YES! to the dress!" (which had my mother cracking up).

They literally tore the store apart looking for the perfect dress for me. I tried on a bunch and finally found one I sort of could stand. It's tea length, simple, yet very elegant. But my consultant didn't stop there - she brought out different colored sashes to tie around the waist and actually picked out my shoes. I loved both and started really getting into the dress. She finally found the exact right sash - put it on me, had me put on my shoes, and put silk flowers in my hair. I finally felt like a bride.

And if that weren't enough, they actually let me return the other dress and shoes and accessories. (Which, I hear, is unheard of for this company). With the exchanges of the dress, shoes, etc. we only had to pay $150 to get THE dress and all the trimmings.

They were unbelievably kind and caring and wonderful. I could not be more thankful to them. (Or to my mom, who was a wonderful sport about the whole thing). I felt like an ass standing up there and crying - but the staff at DB made me feel like a .... well, bride isn't the right word. They made me feel beautiful again.