The Case of the Missing Ovary

Okay, so this story is a little personal... but it was just too damn funny not to share!

I've been very ill for the past couple of days. I went to the ER on Friday night with severe abdominal pain. It was an absolute madhouse, so they ruled out anything dangerous and sent me home. I had an ultrasound last Monday to try to figure out what was going on.

The woman doing my ultrasound had a very thick Eastern European accent and a rather terse manner of speaking: "Now, you sit here, undo pants, spread legs. NO, just UNDO top button. There we go."

"Hmmm...." I don't like it when people say that during exams.

Carp: "Anything wrong?"

"I cannot locate your left ovary."

Carp: "WHAT?!"

"Yes, uterus is fine. Right ovary is fine. But I cannot find your left ovary. Please compress."

Carp: "What do you mean, you can't find my ovary?!"

"COMPRESS. NOW!"

"Wha...? OWWWWWW."

Being forced to press down on your lower abs when you feel like you have a grapling hook through your uterus is not a pleasant experience.

"Okay, I need to find ovary. Please take off pants. We do internal."

I don't think I need to comment on exactly how excruciatingly painful THAT experience was.

"I still cannot find left ovary. Wait here. I go get doctor."

Carp: "It's not like my ovary packed its bag and went on vacation! Why can't you find it?!"

Yes, I was sitting with my legs in stirrups covered in ultrasound jelly wondering if my left ovary had exploded, which was causing my terrible terrible pain. In usual Carp fashion, I did the only thing I felt I could do at the time...

"MOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!" Yes. My mom still takes me to doctors appointments when I feel like death.

The doctor entered the room soon after and performed her own internal exam.

"Yeah... what the hell... where is this damn thing?"

After about what seemed like twenty minutes (probably only two or three) she finally said:

"Aha! Got it! It's hard to see, but it's there. Okay."

Turns out that nothing whatsoever was wrong with my ovaries. After going to a GI doctor, then my gyno, and then FINALLY by PCP, they determined it was most likely a bladder infection.

My life. My life.