You'll Love David's Bridal

Okay, so from the beginning I wasn't really crazy about my wedding dress. It felt like I was compromising and picking something because I had to... but at the time I bought it, I felt like it looked good on me, at least, and that I would be content wearing it. (Bought it at David's Bridal. LOVED my consultant - and she helped me pick out another dress for a formal I had to attend).

So, I went in for my fitting today. Can you say: Total Meltdown?

I got up on the pedestal, looked at myself in the mirror, and just started sobbing. (It didn't help that I felt like a pro football player trying to squeeze into a dainty, plain little gown and was standing next to this gorgeous petite little woman who looked like an angel in her fabulous, extravagant dress).

I just hated the way I looked. Hated the dress. Hated my body. Hated everything.

The women at David's Bridal could not have been more helpful and sympathetic and caring had they been my own family. My mom was there with me - she compared the women to the mice in the Disney version of Cinderella when they are making her the gown for the ball. The new consultant working with me (mine wasn't in yet) told me (in her VERY thick latin accent). "We won't stop til j'you say YES! to the dress!" (which had my mother cracking up).

They literally tore the store apart looking for the perfect dress for me. I tried on a bunch and finally found one I sort of could stand. It's tea length, simple, yet very elegant. But my consultant didn't stop there - she brought out different colored sashes to tie around the waist and actually picked out my shoes. I loved both and started really getting into the dress. She finally found the exact right sash - put it on me, had me put on my shoes, and put silk flowers in my hair. I finally felt like a bride.

And if that weren't enough, they actually let me return the other dress and shoes and accessories. (Which, I hear, is unheard of for this company). With the exchanges of the dress, shoes, etc. we only had to pay $150 to get THE dress and all the trimmings.

They were unbelievably kind and caring and wonderful. I could not be more thankful to them. (Or to my mom, who was a wonderful sport about the whole thing). I felt like an ass standing up there and crying - but the staff at DB made me feel like a .... well, bride isn't the right word. They made me feel beautiful again.

Endurance

So, it's no surprise to anyone who knows me well (or has known me long enough...) that my biggest athletic/health demon has always been cardio endurance - and the mental toughness that goes along with it. It has been the achilles heel of my progression as an athlete since the time I was in high school. And now, I am finally tackling that demon...

And it freaking sucks.

Yes, coincidentally I am dancing with my demon in the months before my wedding, but this is not just about slimming down to look good in my dress (which will be a nice, perk, of course...). No - this is about reaching my goals as an athlete - and, more importantly, about finally getting healthy.

The whole reason I've always worked with personal trainers is because I am mentally weak when it comes to maintaining and enhancing my own fitness off the playing field (whether it was soccer, or now rugby). I need someone to hold me accountable for my actions - I simply will not do it on my own. This is in enormous contrast to the way I operate academically and professionally. (I wish I could explain why, but above all else I think it comes down to fear of physical pain and low self body image.) Unfortunately, even with physical trainers, I have stuck to ones who have tended to cut me slack and let me control the intensity of the butt kicking I receive. While I've done very well with those trainers in the past (especially Melanie - I could never have recovered as well or as quickly from my last ACL tear without her help), I've really only succeeded in maintaining a level of fitness, or returning to a level of fitness from which I have fallen - not increasing it.

Well, no more. My new trainer, John, is absolutely kicking my butt. And it's hard - not just physically. Physically, I can handle, up to a certain point. It is at that point where the pain becomes a mental block, not a physical block, where I stumble.

I simultaneously love and despise him for making me face my own weaknesses. (Though, I do wish he would appreciate the fact that I am well aware of what they are, in the first place... and trust that I know the difference between pain and discomfort.) He is absolutely correct that I need to push through the discomfort and stop babying my injuries. However... the injuries (the tendonitis in my elbow and shoulder) became so bad because I ignored them and pushed through them over the winter. My elbow has been hurting for over a year, now... I am tired of being held back by injuries.

I am going to push through as much as I can... but I am very much afraid of setting myself back. I don't think I'll be able to stand another season on the sideline.

So, is my lack of endurance a  physical problem? Or is it mental? During the rugby match - nothing seemed to hurt. In the gym, I feel every ache and spasm. Is it mere adrenaline that allows me to push through during those precious 80 minutes - an adrenaline which I lack during the 45 in the gym? Or is it something else?

I know that I am mentally tough - well, mentally strong, I should say. I wouldn't be going to law school if I weren't. (Oh yeah, I got into Qunnipiac! And won a merit scholarship. Still waiting to hear from UCONN.) Why does that same mental strength fail me in the middle of a plank or on the treadmill?

Well, I guess we'll see...

The Picture of Dorian Gray

I just finished the novel tonight. While I think the story was brilliant (the idea of it, the events of the plot), I think it was a rather poorly executed novel. Wilde seemed much more interested in describing the extravagances that Dorian collected than the sins that actually corrupted his soul. His sins were merely alluded to, never described. It surely must have been because of the time in which Wilde lived - explicit descriptions of the actions missing in the story would have been considered too vulgar to print. However, (and perhaps it is because of time time in which this reader lives) I would be much more interested in the down and dirty details of Dorian's corruption (which could be elegantly and classily described with enough art) than the rather lengthy and boring descriptions of the jewels and tapestries which fascinated him.

I have to say, I absolutely loved the character of Lord Henry (Harry). The quotes of his I found interesting are far too numerous to list and explore here, but suffice it to say that his sardonic, sarcastic, cynical view of society and humanity to be amusing and, sometimes, quite insightful.

The overall message I took away from the novel is that Dorian Gray was an empty page, a blank canvas; it was not from within that he was corrupted, but from the influences of those without - Basil and Harry. Much like the portrait took the brunt of the corruption of age and sin for Dorian, Dorian himself was the visual representation of Basil's and Harry's own sins.

Long story short - loved the story, the plot, the characters, but not Wilde's style of writing nor the topics he chose to emphasize.

Writing Fail - Life Winning!

So, more excuses as to why I have not been updating. At least there are some decent ones:

I have been applying to law school. I was accepted to Quinnipiac and awarded a merit scholarship for half the cost of the tuition. Yay! I am waiting to hear back from UCONN - but I visited Quinnipiac yesterday and really fell in love with the campus. If I am accepted to UCONN - they'll have to offer me more money to draw me away from Quinnipiac. :)

Steve has been working his butt off working for my parents, as well as pursuing his firefighter career. He finally for his EMT certification. He starts with ASM (an ambulance service) on Tuesday. I'm very proud of him!

I've been working really hard at the gym despite several setbacks. My neck, shoulder, and elbow have been giving me trouble. I've been in and out of Physical Therapy - but it is really helping. I'm feeling much better - probably about 85/90%. Just hoping I can get back to full strength by next weekend - it's our first rugby match against Northshore.

I've also been working with a new personal trainer; Melanie left Big Sky to pursue a new opportunity at a young athlete centered training center. It's right up her alley and I'm really excited for her. A little upset that she's leaving, because I worked so well with her... but I plan on getting the rugby team into her facility to train, and train myself when I have the funds.

My new trainer is a bit of a hard-ass, so far, but I think it's what I need. I got a hell of a workout in our first training session ( I was team training - by accident - with a young man around my age. I think he said he does some sort of fighting? I want to say UFC, but, I don't remember exactly). I think John (the new trainer) was impressed that I was able to keep up. My quads haven't burned this badly since college! It's not exactly a love match like it was with Melanie, but if he keeps working me this hard, I'm confident I will be able to achieve my fitness (and, oh yeah, wedding... blah) goals.

I've actually been running on my own, too. I know. Shocker. But since I did that 5k with Connie and she showed me her run/walk technique, it's really been working for me. I don't think I've been this cardio-fit in years.

Also started doing yoga with my friend Hannah. I can't believe I'm actually enjoying it. It's a really nice stretch and is helping me to relax. I'm hoping it will help to improve my flexibility. It would be nice to actually be able to touch my heels to my butt again... 

And it's all been working, despite the afore mentioned setbacks. I've lost six pounds since January, and I'm finally starting to slim down up top. It makes me a little self conscious about my belly - but, it's really not looking too bad. Back down to a size 10 - even a size 8 in certain brands.

Really excited to go back to school. Really excited to be playing rugby again. And really proud and excited for Steve. Overall, feeling pretty good. Life seems to be on track.

And... oh yeah... wedding planning is okay. Blech.

New Year - Old Habits

Okay, so I failed my own goal of posting at least once a month last year... let's see if I can do it in 2011.

Taking a look back at 2010 - it was a pretty big year of change for the Carps. This little Carp got engaged, one uncle Carp came home, one Momma Carp made roast beef, one future hubby Carp had none, and you'll say WHEE when I've finished this poem.  (Sorry, haven't gotten much sleep in the past couple of days).

I SHOULD be trying to give some perspective on the national, world, and personal goings on of the past year... but, you know what? Screw it. While there were some good parts to it, as a whole, I'm glad to see 2010 done. I'm also not going to do the whole "resolutions" thing. It's a load of crap, and I've never once made it to February.

I'm just going to keep on doing what I've been doing: working hard, thinking about my future, taking steps where I can to secure it. I am going to try to keep losing weight and slowly moving towards a healthier lifestyle. I've already made a good start - no need for resolutions, just gotta keep on keepin' on.

Here's to 2011 - may it NOT be a year of HUGE change... just little baby steps forward.