Endurance

So, it's no surprise to anyone who knows me well (or has known me long enough...) that my biggest athletic/health demon has always been cardio endurance - and the mental toughness that goes along with it. It has been the achilles heel of my progression as an athlete since the time I was in high school. And now, I am finally tackling that demon...

And it freaking sucks.

Yes, coincidentally I am dancing with my demon in the months before my wedding, but this is not just about slimming down to look good in my dress (which will be a nice, perk, of course...). No - this is about reaching my goals as an athlete - and, more importantly, about finally getting healthy.

The whole reason I've always worked with personal trainers is because I am mentally weak when it comes to maintaining and enhancing my own fitness off the playing field (whether it was soccer, or now rugby). I need someone to hold me accountable for my actions - I simply will not do it on my own. This is in enormous contrast to the way I operate academically and professionally. (I wish I could explain why, but above all else I think it comes down to fear of physical pain and low self body image.) Unfortunately, even with physical trainers, I have stuck to ones who have tended to cut me slack and let me control the intensity of the butt kicking I receive. While I've done very well with those trainers in the past (especially Melanie - I could never have recovered as well or as quickly from my last ACL tear without her help), I've really only succeeded in maintaining a level of fitness, or returning to a level of fitness from which I have fallen - not increasing it.

Well, no more. My new trainer, John, is absolutely kicking my butt. And it's hard - not just physically. Physically, I can handle, up to a certain point. It is at that point where the pain becomes a mental block, not a physical block, where I stumble.

I simultaneously love and despise him for making me face my own weaknesses. (Though, I do wish he would appreciate the fact that I am well aware of what they are, in the first place... and trust that I know the difference between pain and discomfort.) He is absolutely correct that I need to push through the discomfort and stop babying my injuries. However... the injuries (the tendonitis in my elbow and shoulder) became so bad because I ignored them and pushed through them over the winter. My elbow has been hurting for over a year, now... I am tired of being held back by injuries.

I am going to push through as much as I can... but I am very much afraid of setting myself back. I don't think I'll be able to stand another season on the sideline.

So, is my lack of endurance a  physical problem? Or is it mental? During the rugby match - nothing seemed to hurt. In the gym, I feel every ache and spasm. Is it mere adrenaline that allows me to push through during those precious 80 minutes - an adrenaline which I lack during the 45 in the gym? Or is it something else?

I know that I am mentally tough - well, mentally strong, I should say. I wouldn't be going to law school if I weren't. (Oh yeah, I got into Qunnipiac! And won a merit scholarship. Still waiting to hear from UCONN.) Why does that same mental strength fail me in the middle of a plank or on the treadmill?

Well, I guess we'll see...